The Mighty Mormon Organ

Broom’s Bench, UTAH — Police in this remote town discovered the remains of 47 year old writer Dorwayne Hinckley in the trash-filled living room of his shabby trailer, a pneumatic nail gun clutched in his stiffened fist.

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A bidding war erupted today on Ebay among faithful Mormons over who would win the rights to posthumously baptize Heath Ledger into the church. Celebrity baptism for the dead certificates are a hot commodity in the Mormonabilia market, with the biggest celebrities — Marilyn Monroe or Anna Nicole Smith — fetching over $5,000.

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Dad’s big hand covered my mouth to stop the sound of imaginary car tire squeals coming from it as I drove my Hot Wheels over my thighs and across the church pew. At four, I could not sit quietly through Sacrament Meeting, which is an hour and fifteen minutes long.

He gave me a funny face that made me smile. The girls at church always said that he was very handsome, with his mischievous blue eyes and checkmark brows.

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Gordon B. Hinckley, the long-deceased prophet of the Mormon church announced today the formation of a new chapel to be built in the Marmalade district of Salt Lake City for ex-gay Mormons. “The Lord has revealed to me that gay people mingling with the general population of the church is disruptive. He said a bunch of other stuff but I’m kind of hard of hearing and didn’t really understand him. But he has decided to give the gays their own stake.” Said an interpreter on behalf of Hinckley’s corpse.

The new chapel for ex-gays and Kenneth Oakes,
exgay son of Dallin Oakes and RLGBTSCJCLDS bishop.

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A catfight erupted yesterday between rival gangs of filthy blogging sluts over accusations of plagiarism. Sluts from Jezebel and SLC Outsider wrote depraved ramblings about exactly what they would and would not do sexually with each of the Romney brothers. However, the sluts from SLC Outsider published their piece 9 days prior to the Jezebel piece and reportedly tipped them to it.

After a protracted commenter war between both sites, the fracas seems to have ended when Moe, the chief slut at Jezebel posted a vague apology, giving credit to SLC Outsider. Yet another revolting peek into the liberal mind.

The Oprah Winfrey Show announced today that it will be conducting an exclusive interview with one of Mitt Romney’s angry ancestors — from beyond the grave. The first major talkshow host to interview a dead person, Oprah agreed to the interview after being stalked by the irate spirit while on holiday at her Telluride, Colorado home.

Statue of Parley P. Pratt and his great-great grandson Mitt Romney.

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At a modest press event held today at the Marriott Temple Square in Salt Lake City the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints announced that it had acquired the venerable LA porn shop Adam & Eve Productions for $2.4 million. “The purchase of Adam & Eve Productions rounds out our stable of properties that profit from the depraved lifestyles and addictions of non-Mormons.” Said Dawnraye Pratt, the church’s representative at the event.

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Unsatisfied that we hadn’t been sufficiently groveling in our response to the previous mean email he sent, one of our many inactive Mormon brothers, (we forget which one) sent the following request for us to stop sending him email announcements.

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Yesterday, in a shocking twist of divine justice, convicted Utah child molester and murderer Jebediah Jeffers survived his execution because he is immortal, seeming to prove the Mormon belief that some Saints become so perfect here on earth that they are “translated” and walk among us.

Mormon Murderer and Immortal Jebediah Jeffers

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This morning, an assistant found the mummified corpse of nonagenarian theocrat and Mormon church prophet and president Gordon B. Hinckley in his office. An official close to the investigation, who wishes to remain anonymous, told TMMO that he had been dead for “…at least 2 years.”

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